Bad Decision or Destiny: The Struggle with Used Car Salesmen

Recently, Hope “requested” (AKA: demanded) that she would like to replace her 2000 Chrysler 300m for a new used Honda Odyssey. Inspired by the desire to seize the opportunity to make my wife happy (she will kill me if I don’t buy it), this past week I embarked on the dark harrowing journey of used car shopping. Along this journey I have had the many wonderful opportunities to meet with the devil himself disguised as a used car salesman.

From the moment I walk through the doors of the dealerships and receive the warm greetings, I can already feel them sucking the dollar bills out of my wallet. My fear of the salesmen getting the upper hand has transformed me from a nice Kollel Rabbi into a ruthless bargainer (perhaps a little bit of an exaggeration). Unfortunately, in the last 72 hours, I have blown two really good deals and allowed them to slip away because I believed I could get a better price elsewhere. Hope insists that my greed and strong desire to prevail over the salesmen have gotten the better of me (and she will not be happy next week when we drive to New Jersey in the Chrysler). I prefer the comforting words of my close friends that it is “beshert,” it was obviously not meant to be, rather than accepting the possibility that I am being too greedy. G-d did not want me to be the proud owner of those cars (which happened to be exactly what we were looking for).

Our different perspectives on my lost opportunities remind me of a question I have on this weeks Torah portion (Vayigash). In this weeks Torah portion Joseph reveals himself to his brothers and informs them that he is the Viceroy of Egypt, and the brother that they sold into slavery 22 years ago. One can only imagine the embarrassment and shame the brothers experienced when they were standing once again face to face with Joseph. Immediately following his revelation to his brothers Joseph offered the following message to them: “And now, be not distressed, nor reproach yourselves for having sold me here, for it was to be a provider that G-d sent me ahead of you.”

My greed in my experience trying to buy a used car, and the brothers’ jealousy, led us both to make bad decisions. Can there still be an element of “beshert?” What was Joseph telling his brothers? Was he telling them that they were not liable for inappropriately selling him into slavery, since it enabled him to be in the position to save his family? If this is not the message of Joseph then what is the message? Is he simply trying to make them not feel bad for selling him into slavery, or is there something deeper going on? Please share with me your thoughts on this verse.

Goodbye Grandma Rose

Unfortunately, this past Tuesday Hope and I lost the matriarch of our family. Hope's grandmother, Rose Ramras passed away at the blissful age of 104. The Torah tells us if one honors one's parents, one will be blessed with longevity. Grandma Rose was clearly a recipient of this blessing, and rightfully so. She was a dedicated daughter who took great care of her mother. She would travel by train (no small feat in those days) from her home in Bensonhurst to her mother's home in East New York to visit and clean for her twice a month.

Grandma Rose dedicated her entire existence to her family. She made it her priority to always be home with her children. She never pursued a career and did not involve herself in anything that would compromise her focus on her children. She was not a member of a beach club, she did not travel too often and was not a member of any social group. She lived for her three children, five grandchildren and thirteen great grandchildren. The room literally lit up from her smile when she gazed at the children.

The last time we visited her in her apartment she appeared a little weak. However, anytime either one of my two daughters walked near her, she leaped forward with a surge of life and a huge smile, and grabbed one of the girls. Her grip on them was so tight that they had to plea for help.

Her love and devotion to her family clearly made an impression on her children. For many years, my mother-in-law and her two brothers dedicated their lives to their beloved mother. They visited her at least on a weekly basis if not more. They took care of all her needs from laundry to grocery shopping to doctor appointments to hair appointments and everything in between. They clearly learned how to epitomize the mitzvah of honoring one's parents from her, and they excelled in it, as did she. We only hope that we were able to inherit her spiritual gene of honoring one's parents to the fullest as Grandma Rose and her children did.

The life she led was not one of glamour or excitement, rather one of fulfillment. She had her priorities and never lost sight of them. She understood that her family came first, and everything else was secondary to that.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Recently, Hope and Temi (my 4-year-old daughter) have been reading a book about all the different types of cars and trucks that dominate our roads. Temi is a very bright, sharp and confident young girl (my wife and I each "humbly" take full credit). Naturally, Temi has absorbed the information from the book and has an impressive command of a wide array of cars and trucks.

However, even great people have challenges, and Temi is no exception. The other day Temi and I went for a walk through the streets of Bexley. Our stroll provided Temi the opportunity to show off her newfound knowledge. As we passed a Jeep, Temi yelled and declared that we were looking at a Jeep. When we saw a minivan, one could hear the chant of "I see a minivan, I see a minivan" down the block. Then came the pickup truck debacle. As we walked by a pickup truck, Temi emphatically stated that it was a dump truck. In the most sensitive, empathetic and caring way possible, I broke the news to Temi that she was mistaken. I explained that we were in fact looking at a pickup truck and not a dump truck. She looked at me dead in the eyes and said, "We are going to have to tell Mommy that she taught me the wrong truck!"

Questions for the Shabbos table: Next week the Jewish People will start to recite selichot (prayers of forgiveness) in anticipation of Rosh Hashanah. In order for a person to genuinely ask for exoneration one has to accept responsibility for his/her actions. Have you ever received an apology from a person who believes they did nothing wrong? Does their apology mean anything to you? How does the empty apology make you feel? Next week when we ask G-d for forgiveness, how do we ensure that we are sincerely remorseful and apologetic for our actions?

The Tiger is out of the Bag

For the last few days we have been bombarded with endless discussions on television, radio and internet dedicated to the immoral deeds of Tiger Woods. Americans have been struggling to accept the harsh reality that another supposed “hero” is truly a weak human being. It is the same old story; on the playing field and in the commercials he seemed to be an outstanding and wonderful human being, a role model, yet in his private life there is much to be desired.

As disgusted as I am by the despicable actions of Tiger Woods, I am even more disgusted by how the media has covered the story. Some of the discussions have revolved around the question of “how long will it take for Tiger to reclaim his former image?” The media is essentially ignoring the fact that he does not deserve his former image, because it was based on a lie. His actions have demonstrated that he is not the “good guy” we were led to think he was.

I have also had to stomach the apologists who delicately explained that before we judge Tiger, we have to understand that we cannot fathom the moral challenges of famous athletes. I heard a radio host explain, “We cannot imagine the challenge of throngs of beautiful women jumping at you. He is just a normal man with normal will power placed in an extreme situation” (it pains me to write these words).

What has happened to commitment? What has happened to discipline? As all great athletes know, if there is a will there is a way. If people want to be moral and faithful, they can. If a man is committed to maintaining the sanctity of marriage he will surely avoid situations that might lead him astray.

I am going to conclude with a plea: In a few months from now, Tiger Woods is going to win a major golf tournament. At that point, the American people will forgive and forget his misdeeds. I beg of you not to forget so easily. For some strange reason our great society offers atonement to winners. If one wins a tournament or stars in a hit blockbuster movie he/she is perceived as a “changed” person. Let us not make that mistake. We have already learned the hard way that just because Tiger has won on the golf course does not prove he is a winner in life. Until Tiger is victorious in a moral battle and becomes a better person he does not deserve honor.